Some big changes are coming into my life. Over the summer holidays, I discover the game ‘football’ – and the Leicester City football club, which I’m told is ‘my team’. My team reached the FA Cup final (which I am told is ‘bloody good’), but lost 2-1 to Tottenham Hotspur (which is ‘pathetic’). At the local park, all the kids are kicking balls around, spurred on by Leicester City’s near success. (It’s amazing how losing can inspire such frantic action). I follow suit, and kick a football with a boy who lives down the road from me called Nicholas. (The boy is called Nicholas, not the road).

Nick is not a very good goal-keeper, I conclude after scoring ten goals in a row past him within a very short time. But it’s nice to have a non-female to play with. His father has a record player you have to wind up with a handle to hear the music. If you don’t do this for a while, the record slows down until it stops. As we sit outside in the sun at the back of his house one day, we giggle at the sound coming from his dad’s old records as the turntable gets slower and slower. I like the way he calls his Earth father ‘dad’ (instead of daddy). It sounds more grown up, I conclude, and I begin to use ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ for my own host parents.

After playing records, Nick and I play football in his yard for a while – until disaster strikes. I kick the ball into a glass door, and recoil at the sound of breaking glass. I panic and tell Nick I’ve just remembered an urgent appointment. My heart is racing as I contemplate what his dad could do to me. I know what mine would bloody do!

I later discover that his dad is very easy going. He tells my host mother that I shouldn’t have run away when I broke the window, which he has now fixed. I feel ashamed at my cowardice (not a very nice emotion, I note, but one I’m going to have to experience a few more times during my time on planet Earth). From now on, I walk quickly past Nick’s house without looking in.

At school, we are now in ‘the Juniors,’ which is situated in a bigger building – and we have a new teacher called Mr Cope. He is dark and balding, with a ‘five o’clock shadow’ on his face. I’ve no idea why they call it this – perhaps because he disappears at five? At first, I’m relieved that we’re not in the clutches of another female. But then Earth sister tells me Mr Cope’s a ‘pervert’. I’ve no idea what a pervert is, but it doesn’t sound very nice. He seems to like the girls, but not the boys, and he’s often meting out punishments of one kind or another on us boys – which usually involves being hit on the bottom in front of the whole class with a cane he keeps in the classroom. Are teachers allowed to do this?

We’re the new kids on the block now, a first-year class promoted from Infant school, and it doesn’t feel so good. I know most faces in the classroom, but there are some new ones. Kids I knew before have been moved to other classes – or left the school completely. Margaret Coleman for one. She’s left without even saying goodbye, and I find myself without a girlfriend. Nothing is explained – you take life as you find it, and there’s no bloody choice. I make a mental note to put all this in my report when I return to my home planet once my mission is completed. But unfortunately, I cannot remember where my home planet is! I hope it comes back to me soon.

I pick up what I can from the other kids, and discover that Margaret’s family have moved away to another town. It may as well be another Universe. Perhaps it is another Universe? 

I keep my head down during the whole year and hope that Mr Cope will not pick on me for some misdemeanor. I could not bear the embarrassment of being punished in front of the whole class after my broken arm scenario at the infants. I then realise that the word ‘misdemeanor’ sounds like a female teacher’s name, and stop using it. I continue to be wary of this strange, life-form – and yet I continue to be attracted to them too.

In my quest to find a replacement for Margaret, I develop a liking for the dark, mysterious looks of ‘Jane Reed’. I spend the first two years of the Junior School admiring her from afar. I dream of talking to her, holding her hand and kissing her, and she becomes my second secret girlfriend. But although I smile at her whenever I can, she seems oblivious to my attentions. Then, just at the point when I feel I must come out and express my love for Jane, she leaves the school too – and I’m devastated.

To replace Jane, I take up an interest in music – which takes a leap forward as I discover the sonorous tones of Cliff Richard. I rather like this singer, who is also the favourite of host mother, and she takes Sarah and me to see the movie, ‘The Young Ones,’ and later, ‘Summer Holiday’ at the Leicester Odeon Cinema. This is followed by copies of the soundtrack on what are called ‘vinyl records’ or ‘LPs – my first sight, sound and smell of vinyl. Previously, the only records I knew were those at Nik’s house, and Earth dad’s heavy and easily breakable Beethoven and Mozart records, which, he tells me, are made of ‘Bake-a-light’. Well, I know how to bake a cake, but I’ve no idea how to bake a light. Anyway, I tell dad that I can’t hear the singer on his Beethoven records, but he doesn’t get it. Cliff and the Shadows are in another league, and my exploration of Pop Music begins in earnest.

During my second year at Junior School, life takes a turn for the better as I begin to discover the things I like doing. Our teacher is the Earth mother of my classmate Chris Read. I like Mrs Read… she encourages us with our artistic leanings, and always has a nice smile.

One particular leaning of mine, I discover, is fainting fits, which I develop at school assemblies. Mrs Read and the school nurse attribute these to me not having sufficient breakfast. But I put it down to having to stand for ages singing songs called ‘Hymns’ that do my head in. The tunes are okay – but the words need some serious reworking. I’m told we’re singing to someone called ‘God’. But he’s never there, so it just seems like a waste of time. I notice that some kids are excused Assembly, and later discover they’re called ‘Roman Catholics.’ They look nothing like Romans to me, but I wouldn’t mind being one of them just to miss Assembly.

Mrs Read is very keen on Roman history, and she arranges a trip to Leicester College so we can learn about Roman Art. For some reason, I get a fainting fit and pass out in the middle of making a mosaic pattern. I am revived with water.

*          *           * 

Time moves on. It’s now the summer of 1963, and Leicester City play in their second FA Cup final (losing 3-1 to Manchester United). I decide that Leicester cannot be such a good team after all. I get invited to Andrew Radford’s birthday party. He lives in Palmerstone Boulevard – not far from the school – and it’s a party with a difference. As we arrive, Andrew’s Earth dad tells us we’re going downtown to watch a real football match. I can’t believe it – I’ve never actually been to a football match before! This is what all parties should be like. Well, for boys anyway.
 
We arrive at Filbert Street, where Leicester City are playing Chelsea. The visitors win 4-2, and I’m swayed by the style and speed of play of Chelsea. During the match, Chelsea are given a ‘penalty’ by the man in black. (He never kicks the ball, but he’s always blowing a whistle. I hear a man in the crowd calling him ‘The bloody ref’, so that must be his name). The penalty means a player can kick the ball at the goal close to where we’re standing behind. The ball crashes into the net, looping around and hitting my mate Carl Palmer on the head! We all laugh – then realise that he might really be seriously hurt. We ask if he’s all right, and he mumbles something rather intelligent. It’s the first time he’s ever done that…

After the match, Andrew’s dad drives us back to Palmerstone Boulevard, where his mum cooks baked beans on toast for us all – it’s food I’ve never eaten before, and it’s delicious! When I return home, I tell host mother about it, and she’s doing cartwheels. It’s always difficult finding something truly edible on this planet, but now I’ve found something good. I’m given baked beans once a week for the next nine years.

* 
Despite endlessly being told not to suck his pencil, Carl Palmer goes and swallows the whole thing one day. We think it’s just a ruse to get out of maths, but Mrs Read takes it more seriously and calls an ambulance. We’re all relieved to see Carl back at school the next day. I ask him if everything’s okay in the hose department, and he gives me an odd look. He doesn’t suck his pencil ever again.

*       *         * 

End of Chapter 3.

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