Scientists have recently discovered a naturally-occurring substance that could be the number one defence against a whole range of infections and diseases. Known as MM4U, this substance has many nutritional, physical and mental benefits. Regular intakes are said to decrease the risk of type I diabetes; reduce the incidence of bowel disease; help protect against Hodgkin’s disease and leukaemia; decrease the incidence of respiratory infections, ear infections, and pneumonia; protect against asthma and eczema; reduce the risk of early obesity; decrease the incidence of dental cavities, and promote important brain growth. It’s not yet available in pharmacies or supermarkets – but it soon could be. So, what is this wonder substance?

If you hadn’t guessed already, it is: ‘Mother’s Milk’.

The World Health Organisation, health care associations and government health agencies all now concur with the scientific evidence, which demonstrates the clear superiority of human milk and the hazards of animal milk products. And because human milk is so good for us, I’m going to propose a radical, new idea.

Instead of supermarket shelves full of cow’s milk products, what about introducing human milk – at a special subsidised price (it’s the least the government could do, considering all the money it’s going to save on Health-Care). We could have long-life mother’s milk, chocolate flavoured mother’s milk, and even mother’s milk ice-cream – as well as mother’s milk cheese, butter, cream and yoghurts. And these would all be clearly labelled with the health benefits to everyone who consumes products made with human milk – with a nice picture of a contented mother on the label.

Of course, we’d need quite a huge amount to satisfy demand, and you’re probably wondering how we could get so much breast milk to fill the supermarkets and supply every person in the World for the rest of their lives. After all, mothers only produce sufficient milk for their own infants for a couple of years at most. So where would the rest come from?

First, there are drugs such as Reglan which stimulate the secretion of prolactin, and thereby increase milk supply. Then there are hospital-grade pumps that could be used to pump milk from the breast, which would then help to stimulate further production. And finally, we would have to ensure that all mothers get plenty of calories, fluids and rest. They simply cannot make enough milk otherwise.

I suggest setting up special residential units for mothers, where trained people could assist them to get the maximum volume of milk from their bodies. All the mothers would have to do is relax, eat, and drink plenty of fluids – and take the appropriate drugs and hormones, of course. The more breast milk they produce, the healthier the Nation – so I’m sure these ladies would gladly give up their milk for the greater good of Mankind. Oh, and give up their babies too. We wouldn’t want their infants getting any more than their fair share, would we? After all, they’ll receive their health-enriched milk from the supermarkets at home – just like everyone else.

I can see it now – the Mother’s Milk Marketing Board supplying families across the World with health-giving milk from pumping stations around the country. Marvellous.

So, what do you think of this idea? What do you really think? Yes, you’re right: it sucks… and I know why.

The reason you don’t like it, the reason you feel it’s wrong (despite what I said about the health benefits) is that you instinctively know that the purpose of mother’s milk is to feed a woman’s offspring – until they’re ready to take in solid food. Human milk is not for anyone else in the family – and certainly not for strangers. And the idea of treating women like farmyard animals is clearly abhorrent. Anyone who thinks otherwise is either out of touch with reality or living on another planet – or just plain perverted. 

It’s like people who drink their own urine, claiming various health benefits. Urine has a purpose (just like everything else in this Universe) but it’s not to be drunk – and you don’t have to be a microbiologist to know that: you just need a little common sense.

If I ever win the lottery, I’m not going to eat my own hat. Not because I need it for my head, but because I know my hat is not food, and never will be. I know that my body couldn’t process it, and I don’t have to try eating it to find out. Nor do I need experts to tell me the calorific value of my hat, or how many vitamins and minerals it contains.
And it’s the same with milk. Adults don’t have to enrol for a Masters’ Degree course to know it’s not right for grown-ups to consume human milk – and babies don’t need to attend lectures on the health benefits of mother’s milk to know it is good for them to drink it. 

So, I’m afraid I’ll just have to abandon my little idea, and give in to the status quo that wants cow’s milk to stay on the supermarket shelves.

But where does this all leave our four-legged friends? Well, out in the cold, I’m afraid. Calves are taken from their mothers so that you can drink their milk, whilst the mothers are drugged and pumped until their udders bleed. (Both of which, the drugs and the blood, are passed on to the consumer). You would rightly say the thought of treating women like farmyard animals is abhorrent; but I believe that treating cows as unfeeling, milk-producing machines is equally unacceptable.

And, ironically, their milk isn’t even good for you. Today, if you want to be healthy, you should avoid dairy products – not look for more. If you want Calcium, then do what elephants, rhinos and gorillas and bulls do: eat vegetation. Those animals don’t get strong bones and muscles by drinking milkshakes or eating cheddar cheese. And it’s the same for us. Whatever you would get from cow’s milk, you can find in soy milk, green leafy vegetables, beans and lentils – amongst many other things. 

I believe that Common Sense will prevail one day, and we’ll all use things for their intended purpose – not for some outlandish reason passed on to us by our teachers, parents or peers. Cows, goats and our cat Mei Mei all produce milk for their offspring, and I’d no sooner drink cow’s or goat’s milk as I would Mei Mei’s. It’s just not meant to be.

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